


It's gonna be okay

by ao_no_uma



Category: Rogue One: A Star Wars Story (2016)
Genre: Angst, ChirpBaze, Confessions, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Mutual Pining, because I posted too much fluff recently, newly blinded character, spiritassasin, young guardians
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-08-25
Updated: 2017-08-25
Packaged: 2018-12-19 17:13:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,169
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11902368
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ao_no_uma/pseuds/ao_no_uma
Summary: Suddenly and unexpectedly blinded, Chirrut doesn't cope well with new situation. He needs someone to talk some sense into him and bring him back to life.Aka. Chirrut is a mess and needs Baze, again.





	It's gonna be okay

**Author's Note:**

> This fic somehow turned out very personal.
> 
>  
> 
> Inspired by and title from "OK" by Robin Schulz and James Blunt.

From the perspective of time, Chirrut knew what he had done was stupid. But back then, he hadn’t thought of it like that. It was just another challenge between him and friends. Throughout years spent in the Temple he had competed in many challenges. During most of them he had waged his health, life even, but every time he had left unharmed. He was protected by the Force, bystanders whispered. Chirrut wasn’t quite convinced, but it didn’t stop him from straining his luck on next tries.

This one was easy. Just who climbed higher on Temple’s wall. Of course Chirrut won, as usual. He reached higher than any of his colleagues, surely placing his hands and feet in cracks between stones. He heard them yelling from the ground it’s enough, he already won. He only grinned wider and climbed up.

Sweaty fingers slipped. Before he gripped at stone again his right foot lost purchase too and he fell.

It was a true miracle he ended with mild head wound and sprinkled wrist, but hitting stone surface from over ten meters damaged his brain. In result he woke up in hospital bed in complete darkness. The damage was irreversible and loss of sight was permanent.

Suddenly familiar corridors of the Temple became strange and unwelcoming. The darkness and its uncertainty was paralyzing. Instinct whispered to expect assault in any second, even though he was surrounded by friends. Chirrut was afraid to make a single step, afraid to stumble and fall, afraid to stay with people, afraid he’s defenseless if he was attacked. His hearing had almost immediately honed to make up for lost sight and registered every tiniest noise. Surrounded by constant buzz of life of Temple, Chirrut was dazed, unable to navigate in chaos.

He wasn’t able to perform even the most single activities alone. He needed help with walking, dressing up, eating. Every time he spilled food or drink over his robe, which was almost every meal, he burnt with embarrassment. Not to mention taking shower.

He was assigned a younger student for help but their assistance turned up even more humiliating. With Chirrut being reluctant to cooperate they quickly decided it to be the worst duty and began to swap nursing him for washing dishes or cleaning bathrooms.

He didn’t leave hospital wing for a week, until annoyed doctor kicked him out with order to try to adapt to new life. Aside from blindness, his body was fine. As everyday life turned out unbearable he stayed in his room until he really must have left. Sitting on the bed or floor and meditating alone, cut off from the outer world, felt safe. He asked to have his meals brought to bedroom, so when he got dirty he was the only one who knew about it. Chirrut got a walking stick he didn’t quite knew how to use so it stayed propped on wall beside his bed, waiting for better days, just like its owner.

His friends dropped by often at the beginning but he politely asked them to leave every time, and soon they stopped coming.

So had passed three weeks.

That evening was different. As usual Chirrut sat on bed meditating. Dormitory wing was empty and silent, other students away on their duties. Chirrut’s hearing had dulled a little and sounds became a little less distracting, yet he still preferred to stay in silence.

There was something hanging in the air, something inaudible and untouchable that made a goosebump raise on his skin. He heard apprentices talking of upcoming storm in the morning. It must have been drawing close.

Soon Chirrut heard first distant rumbles of thunders. Anxiety rose from the bottom of his stomach to grip at his throat. One thing he was sure of, he didn’t want to be alone now. Corridors were hollow, perhaps without distracting sounds Chirrut could make it safely to meditation chambers, or kitchen, or anywhere else Guardians were currently abiding.

He reached for stick when a thunder struck right in temple’s building with deafening boom. Chirrut cried out in flash of panic. His hand jerked and knocked off something from nightstand. A pitcher of water and a cup, he remembered. They smashed in the floor and went into pieces.

Kneeling on bed Chirrut groped for his stick, aware of sharp shards spilled all over floor.

‘Chirrut? Are you okay?’ muffled voice asked hesitantly from outside door.

Chirrut opened mouth to answer when another thunder struck incredibly close, maybe in the roof of the Temple. Fears accumulated in past month crushed the last pieces of his will and flooded whole body. Any coherent thought disappeared from his mind, their space taken by urge to find a shelter. With another shout Chirrut backed off until his back met wall and wrapped himself tightly with blanket, shivering so hard his teeth clattered, face wet with tears.

The door flew open and someone stomped quickly toward the bed muttering Chirrut’s name. Chirrut curled on himself, prepared for assault.

Through fog of dread clouding his mind Chirrut recognized the voice of Baze Malbus.

Baze dropped heavily on bed. Strong hands tugged at huddled Chirrut until he was sitting on Baze’s lap, pressed close to his massive body. One arm looped around his waist and firmly hold his shuddering body. The other palm covered Chirrut’s outer ear, pressing his head and second ear to chest.

Thunders continued to strike but clashes were now muted. The main sound Chirrut was hearing was steady beating of Baze’s heart and low rumble of words as he kept muttering “It’s okay, it’s gonna be okay” mantra.

Eventually the storm subsided and booms turned into knocking of rain. Chirrut sighed, relishing panic gradually dissolving from cramped muscles. Baze loosened grip, allowing him to sit straighter. Chirrut wiped out tears and took in several deep breaths to center himself and restore control over his shaking body. Baze fell silent; Chirrut could feel him staring.

Once he was almost fine Chirrut scooted back, away from Baze.

‘Sorry I’ve dragged you into this’ Chirrut said weakly, awaiting the other to stand up and leave. He wasn’t friends with Baze. Baze was a year older than Chirrut, always a duan ahead. Baze was Guardians’ golden boy, the youngest apprentice in history to achieve seventh duan. Reserved, reluctant to participate in peers’ games, spending most of time on studying, Baze was completely different from Chirrut’s friends.

But earth would open up and swallow Chirrut if he said he didn’t have a kriffing crush on Baze. However they were two opposite elements, not meant to be together. Chirrut accepted the fact Baze would never love him back and didn’t make a move to let Baze know of his feeling. But during every challenge and showoff Chirrut skimmed audience searching for tall silhouette, hoping he’d draw Baze’s attention.

As the anxiety relented Chirrut realized that _it’s Baze on his bed_ and only seconds ago _he had been hugged by Baze_. He moved back until his hand found edge of bed, too embarrassed of weakness he had displayed in front of his crush.

Baze didn’t leave, just asked with hesitant concern, ‘Have you talked about it with doctor or therapist?’

‘They tried to help me, but I’m helpless.’

‘You’re not!’ Baze defied with fervor. Mattress dipped as he leant forward. Baze continued quieter, ‘We’re worried, Chirrut. Your friends, teachers, everyone. It’s not real you. I know it’s tough, but if you try…’

‘I tried, okay?’ Chirrut snapped harsher than he wanted. He partly expected Baze to take offense and go away, but it didn’t happen. ‘I tried, but I can’t. I can’t walk. I can’t do anything on my own. How am I supposed to learn and train being helpless like a baby?!’

Another wave of tears flowed down his cheeks. Chirrut rubbed his eyes angrily.

‘I wanted to beat your record and pass seventh duan next month, on my twentieth birthday. Now there’s no chance for that.’

Surprisingly, Baze chuckled lowly. ‘Oh Chirrut. Don’t tell me mere blindness will stop you.’

Chirrut huffed. He didn’t expect mocking, not now, not from Baze.

Baze went on, his voice soft and kind. ‘You’re the brightest apprentice Guardians have ever trained, Chirrut. I hold current record but you’re already at the brink of breaking it. We know the same prayers and scrolls, but you fight much better. It’s… You’re the best, Chirrut. You may not pass exactly on birthday, but as far as I remember, I passed when I was twenty years, four months and three days old. I’m sure you will have beaten it by then.’

Big hand found Chirrut’s and squeezed it gently through blanket.

‘You’re not yourself right now, Chirrut. So please, try once again. I know you can overcome it.’

His chin shivered when Chirrut replied, ‘But I can’t.’

‘Who says so?’

That question caught Chirrut unprepared. ‘I. And I suppose I know it best.’

‘What if you’re wrong?’

The hand slid from Chirrut’s hand up the arm and rested on the nape of neck, heavy and supporting. Since he had turned blind Chirrut avoided physical contact but somehow Baze’s touch felt normal.

‘It’s not blindness that confines you, but your fears. I saw you fighting many of them throughout years of training, I know you do it well. Just think of it as another test.’

‘You sound like you participate in another wise dispute with elders.’

Baze chuckled again. ‘Now it’s truly you.’

‘You forgot “Trust in the Force” line.’

The hand disappeared from Chirrut’s neck leaving the spot prone to cold air. Mattress shifted as Baze rose from bed.

‘I, um, clean shards so you won’t get hurt, okay?’

Chirrut agreed with muffled “Mhm”. He was turning hot so he untied the blanket, let it freely slid down his arms. He listened to Baze picking shards and dropping them to residue of jug’s bottom. Then sound of his steps indicated he went outside the room.

 _Oh Baze. How could you love me when I’m so crippled?_ , Chirrut told himself.

Sharp inhale and sound of clay shards falling once more on the floor told him Baze was still inside and Chirrut said it out loud. He clasped hands over mouth, panic strangling him again.

‘W-what did you say?’ Baze stuttered. He was standing somewhere near door.

Chirrut should have just shut up and not embarrass himself further, but he was afraid Baze would leave and never speak to him again. It was now or never, and Chirrut was a man to act first and think later, so he spitted confession through fingers, hoping Baze wouldn’t understand him.

‘Kriff, right I’m in love with you. For long. But I know I have no chance at all, I’m not your type, if you’re into men at all. Just forget it. I’ll get over it.’

It was a lie. Chirrut would never get over Baze.

Baze was silent. It was unnerving, because Chirrut couldn’t determine how was Baze. Was he frowning in annoyance, or at the verge of bursting with laughter? Baze was so silent Chirrut didn’t even hear him breathing, only constant monotonous hum of rain. Chirrut hugged his knees to chest.

‘It’s a part where you laugh at me’ he muttered.

To his surprise, Baze replied with wavering voice, ‘Why would I?’

Baze paced back to bed and perched on the side, far from Chirrut. Now Chirrut could note he’s breathing quickly and fidgeted slightly.

‘W-what if I… Tell you that…’ Baze took a deep breath. ‘It’s mutual? That I feel something for you too?’

It was Chirrut’s turn to gasp. Wave of heat poured into his veins. He didn’t know what to do with his fingers so he fisted them in blanket.

‘Just… I also thought you’d never want me. You’re so popular and handsome, and I’m just a nerd.’

‘What are you talking about? You’re not nerd, and you’re the most handsome man in whole Temple!’ Chirrut disagreed. He needed Baze to touch him, to be sure it’s really Baze he’s talking to, not a ghost born from his yearning.

As if Baze could hear him, hesitant fingers brushed his bare forearms. They were warm and solid, definitely belonged to human being.

‘Hold me please?’ Chirrut whispered and Baze shifted closer, caught him in embrace of strong arms Chirrut loved to secretly admire.

‘What’s gonna happen now?’

‘Foremost, take care of yourself. I’ll help you, and your friends. You’ll step by step relearn everything. But please, get out of bunker you buried yourself in.’ Fingertips brushed short hairs on base of Chirrut’s skull. He leant into touch, barely stifling a whimper. ‘And then we will work out the thing between us.’

‘It sounds good.’

One last thunder struck in the distance. Chirrut hid his face in crook of Baze’s neck, inhaling his scent, acknowledging it and memorizing.

‘It’s gonna be okay’ Baze whispered to Chirrut’s ear. ‘It’s gonna be okay.’

 

*

 

_It’s okay. It’s okay. Look for the Force and you will always find me._


End file.
